Stop! Grammar Time!

As was the reasoning behind the creation of the previous blob of rambling matter that I splattered all over your screens about a week ago, I find myself at my desk at a loose end. On Tuesday I have an English essay to submit. An English essay, I must confess, that does not yet exist. The ominous task of creating such a gargantuan and overwhelming collection of words that I use, but don’t really understand, combined with footnotes that aren’t really relevant but that somehow make me appear more intellectual is a prospect that I fear will never be conquered. In fact, instead of this, I have spent the last couple of hours watching missed episodes of Masterchef and clips of Qi on YouTube. But alas there is only so much time in which you can watch Gregg Wallace drool over syrup-drizzled panacottas before you start to feel physically ill.

However, in an attempt to further procrastinate around actually doing anything of worthwhile importance, I figured I would just write about something that has annoyed me more than usual this week. The dawn of Facebook, it seems, has brought with it the demise of any grammatical conventions that the languages of our society have been built upon since humans stopped grunting, and started to use real words (the people of Wigan can therefore now cease to read this article). I jest of course; everyone knows that ‘Wiganers’ can’t read; not if what they’re reading isn’t on the board of a chip shop. I am, what is affectionately known by most to be called, a ‘Grammar-Nazi.’ I would like to say that this has been brought upon me by my English degree for which I am currently whittling my life away on, however; it is something that I have always been.

Bad grammar irritates me. I think it is probably the laziness of the mistakes that people make that really gives me the hump. In general, we can slip up in a verbal conversation and get away with it. A colleague may be thinking, “Did he just say ‘irregardless’?”, but the words flow on, and our worst transgressions are carried away and with luck, forgotten. That’s not the case with written communications. When we commit a grammatical crime in emails, discussion posts, reports and other professional documents, there’s no going back. We’ve just officially gone on record as being careless or clueless. And here’s the worst thing; it’s not necessary to be an editor or a language ‘whiz’ or a spelling bee nerd to spot such mistakes. They have a sneaky method of evading detection by the writer and then reaching out to grab the reader by the throat.

Sadly, I have identified four main grammatical faux pas plaguing our society. In only the past hour I have spotted these four mistakes in just quick scans of my Facebook news feed; many, I must say, coming from people my age who are now mother’s, but I digress; plus, they know who they are. It’s just a pity they don’t know who the father’s are. Anyway, that’s another rant for another time. Here they are:

‘Your’ and ‘You’re’ are two completely different words with completely different meanings. Arguably the most common error, this plagues Facebook accounts and text messages the world over. All it takes to avoid this error is to take a second and think about what you’re trying to say. It is also a favourite generally amongst Chavs; as in, “you’re screwing up your writing by using your when you really mean you are.” The uses of both ‘It’s’ and ‘Its’ are also common mistakes generally overlooked. When writing something, repeat your sentence out loud using “it is.” If that sounds goofy, “its” is likely the correct choice. Thirdly, ‘There’ and ‘Their’. Come on! It’s either a place or something belonging to someone! Not exactly the most confusing definitions. Finally, but to be fair, ‘affect’ and ‘effect’ are harder ones to grasp than most. However, “Affect” is a verb, as in “Your ability to communicate clearly will affect your income immensely.” “Effect” is a noun, as in “The effect of a parent’s low income on a child’s future is well documented.” By thinking in terms of “the effect,” you can usually sort out which is which, because you can’t stick a “the” in front of a verb. While some people do use “effect” as a verb (“a strategy to effect a complication”), they are usually lawyers, and you should therefore ignore them if you want to write like a human.

Now trust me, I understand how anal this is but it’s something that really grinds my gears. No doubt however that at some point in this passage I will have fallen fowl to the very evil I am commenting on; if have or do however, trust me that’s purely accidental. Do I really sound like the sort of person to use grammatical errors in order to get a cheap laugh? Especially at the end! Oh, the cheek of it. To be honest though, I’m surprised you’ve made it this far! If you are reading this, congratulations, give yourself a pat on the back. Done that? Right, now go and jump out of the window. It’s official. Your sad.