Facebook: The Idiot Magnet

There is no denying that Facebook, in all its technological totalitarianism, is one of the most significant creations of however many years, (and I do stress my use of the word ‘of’ rather than ‘in’ in an attempt not to undermine other significant creations that pose an equal, if not greater, impression on the world). However, with its usefulness set aside, let us acknowledge the second face of this Janus-like creature. Since its inception it has also emerged as one of the great evils and annoyances in the modern world. Now don’t worry, I don’t intend to rehash one of the now age-old arguments on internet safety (put a lock on it, or don’t publish it at all – how hard can it be?), I intend to rehash another problem that Facebook seems to attract. And I’m going to pounce upon it like a pigeon on a chip. I talk, of course, of the idiot users of Facebook.

          Now I use that term exclusively; I do not mean ‘users’ in a universal sense, I mean to emphasise the users of Facebook who are, fundamentally, imbeciles. Obviously not all users are idiots and everyone knows who these imbeciles are. These idiots manifest themselves in a plethora of forms; there is the “I’m so deep and brooding only song lyrics can successfully convey how deep and brooding I really am” idiot, the “I’m angry/sad and although I have broadcasted this on Facebook I cannot, in fact, inform you as to why I feel this way” idiot (also known as the sympathy-baiter), the “I’m going to tell you literally every turn, twist and event encompassed in my day whether you like it or not” idiot and the “behold my incredibly unfunny and pathetically stupid post that I think emphasises what I believe to be intelligence and wit but is really just a misplaced and undeserved self-assurance” idiot, to name but a few.

          Every Facebook user will, at some point in their time on the website, have come in to contact with most, if not all, of these idiots. It was my encounter, for example, with a sympathy-baiter not five minutes ago that compelled me to write this. The baiter in question simply wrote that they were angry, with multiple exclamation marks to further emphasise their emotion just in case some people were compelled to brush past their post and therefore not afford them the attention they, evidently, so badly crave. Alas though! Praise be to Allah! A comment! An enquirer! “What’s wrong?” the chivalrous and attentive comment reads. We wait patiently for our response and it finally arrives: “nothing, I can’t tell you.” And humanity weeps, asking where it went so wrong.

          The biggest shame is that we can do nothing to prevent these idiots from taking over; we must simply grin and bear it. In a sense, this post writes itself. It could potentially continue in a Penrose triangle of continuation. There is, and will continue to be, a never-ending supply of idiots to litter our news feeds until the demise of life as we know it, or at least until it regenerates into another internet-based craze. Until then comrades, stay strong.