A Heartfelt and Revolutionary Introduction to Just Some of the Things That I Hate

I hate it when people disregard poetry. I hate it when people wear onesies. I hate it when people pay with pennies when there’s a huge queue. I hate it when people talk loudly, unnecessarily. I hate it when people don’t regard English as a proper subject. I hate it when people say that Shakespeare is boring. I hate it when people say that theatre is gay. I hate it when people say that Nicki Minaj is talented. I hate it when people say that they admire Lady Gaga. I hate it when people find X Factor entertaining. I hate it when people say that TOWIE constitutes good television. I hate it when people abbreviate television show names. I hate it when people haven’t heard of Blackadder. I hate it when people denounce something they haven’t heard, seen or read. I hate it when people say that swearing is unnecessary. I hate it when people don’t like The Muppets. I hate it when people aren’t aware of the original book certain films are derived from. I hate it when people associate Atheism with ignorance. I hate it when people don’t like films I adore. I hate it when people think that Nando’s is the greatest place on planet earth. I hate it when people think that comic books shouldn’t be read by a nineteen year old. I hate it when posh kids try and present themselves as common. I hate it when common kids try and present themselves as posh. I hate it when female comedians feel the need to go all feminist. I hate it when black comedians feel the need to pull the race card. I hate it when an anecdote doesn’t explode in public the way it did in your head.  I hate it when people walk agonisingly slow in front of you. It hate it when the same smelly old dude always sits near me on the bus. I hate it when girls do the duck face. I hate it when lads do the hench face. I hate it when I have to look at the appalling Disney pictures drawn on ice-cream vans. It hate it when people talk during films. I hate it when people eat in the cinema. I hate it when people use their phones in the cinema. I hate it when people don’t appreciate the intricacies of a film. I hate that I can’t sit in the cinema screen on my own sometimes. I hate it when people say that 300 is a great film. I hate it when people say that The Big Lebowski is not a great film. I hate it when people think Halloween is worthwhile. I hate it when people don’t like Christmas. I hate it when people don’t acknowledge that Last Christmas is the greatest Christmas song ever. I hate it when people don’t acknowledge that Driving Home for Christmas is the second greatest Christmas song ever. I hate it when people say that Fairytale of New York is the greatest Christmas song ever. I hate it when people try and squeeze into space that isn’t there on a commuter-packed train. I hate it when people have pictures of just themselves on their wall. I hate it when people make half hearted attempts at the buffet table. I hate audience participation. I hate it when people laugh at jokes they clearly don’t get. I hate it when people think that paintball is fun. I hate it when people don’t get sarcasm.